• Ultralight Jerk

Woman Receives Dick Pic Via Garmin Mini

Updated: Dec 11, 2019


Woody Gap, GA- Michaela Green was on a three week section hike of the Appalachian Trail when her life on trail was forever changed.


"I was really missing my boyfriend Jeffery who was back home in Middle Wicket, New York. I had not seen him for two weeks and was getting rather lonely," Green told ULJ.


As she tucked herself into her quilt that night, she heard her Garmin Mini chime.


Green recalled the moment, "excited that it could finally be Jeffery, I promptly checked the Garmin for the message."


However, Green was not expecting what the 128 x 128 pixel screen had waiting for her. She quickly realized that her Duplex wasn't the only tent pitched that night.


What Green saw was a pixelated-but-generous display of her boyfriend's penis which he had managed to send through space.


"That night, I hiked the trail from Woody Gap straight to Jeffrey’s Knob," Green quipped.


News of the Garmin Mini's magnum sized new feature rapidly spread up and down the AT. Reports from the trail are indicating that up to 1 in 3 messages sent from the trail are depicting manhandled ham candles. A figure leaving experts astonished.


Search and Rescue coordinator Captain Johnson pleaded with hikers on Facebook. The post, which has been disliked nearly 13,000 times states, "The high volume of dick pics being sent from the trail over the Iridium Network has overloaded satellites. SAR, Garmin, and the Iridum Network are pleading to hikers - stop sending dick pics."


"Never doubt the power of love," Green said as she walked off down the trail with a slight pep in her step.


Garmin did not respond to our request for a formal statement. However, they did just message us: (.)(.)

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