• Ultralight Jerk

We Tested If Aquatabs Kill Coronavirus And Now Mark Is Dead



OREGON - While relatively unknown to the general public, Ultralight Jerk runs a small science and research facility in Northwest Oregon called, ULJ Labs.


The Corona Light Virus has been spreading rapidly throughout the world. ULJ Labs figured that hikers would want to know if their water could be safe on thru hikes when using Aquatabs.


Aquatabs, which are made from Sodium Dichloroisocyanurate, have been used by hikers for decades to clean their drinking water. Our Researchers were very hopeful that it would be effective against the virus.


With emergency approval from the Chinese State Department and an explicit invitation from the General Secretary of China, Winnie-the-flu, ULJ Researchers traveled to Wuhan, China. Researchers successfully collected samples of the Coronavirus from a ice chest in an open air market. Stored securely in a quart sized freezer Ziploc bag, ULJ researchers traveled back to the U.S. keeping the samples ice cold.


When our researchers arrived back at the lab, we took the samples out back to the small koi pond and introduced the sample into the water. We then stirred the pond's water around with a stick but we got sick of that after 20 minutes.


We then used the ubiquitous SmartWater bottle to scoop up a pint of the good stuff. After adding a squeeze of lime, the Coronavirus drink was ready for the treatment.


ULJ carefully dropped a single Aquatab tablet into the water, shook the mixture up and waited for three hours.


Once the Aquatab had time to treat the water, Our intern Mark was selected to drink it. He needed to fulfill practicum credit hours at the local Community College and we straight up don't like him. Egged on by coworkers, he drank the entire bottle of treated water. ULJ Labs clinicians then monitored his vitals over the following 24 hrs.


To everyone's surprise, Mark died.


So in conclusion, thanks to our Researchers at ULJ Labs, we now know that Aquatabs are definitely not effective against Coronavirus. We could never have done this without our funding from Backpacking Light. Thanks!


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