• Ultralight Jerk

Ultralight Hiker Worried He Might Be Into Bushcraft

GEORGIA - At first glance, ultralight hiker, auto-mechanic and "weekend warrior" Danny Gordon, 31, seems like any ordinary UL hiker. He's a member of his local NPR station, enjoys talking shit about Zpacks with his friends and doesn't really care for John Z. videos.

But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague Gordon. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be into bushcraft.

"I don't know what's happening to me," Gordon admitted to reporters on Monday. "It's like I get these weird urges sometimes, and suddenly I'm tempted to go behind my friend's backs. I can't help the urge to chop down trees, fashion bracelets from paracord and carry full tang knives."

Added Gordon, "I feel so confused."

The openly ultralight man, who came out to his parents at age 17 and has had a steady baseweight below 10 lbs for the past seven months, said he first began to suspect he might be different last year, when he started feeling an odd tremble every time he passed by a trailhead. “The more pristine the forest,” Gordon claimed, "the stronger my desire to leave a trace, chop down trees and film myself for Youtube."

"It's like I don't even know who I am anymore," the frightened shell of a man said. "Keeping this secret obsession with radical right-wing outdoorsman dogma, self sustainability and hatred of convenience hidden away from /r/ultralight, my mentor Ray Jardine, and my ultralight buddies is tearing me apart."

"Look, something changed when I bought my first hammock," he said. "From there, I purchased a Zpacks chest pack, subscribed to Joe Rogan and began lying on my lighterpack."

Gordon added, "If you think about it, Ultralight and Bushcrafting are not that different. You know what they say, knowledge weighs nothing!"

Gordon's friends from the local Ultralight Facebook group, although concerned, said they're convinced their otherwise typical Ultralight friend is merely going through a bushcraft phase.

"I caught him watching MCQ Bushcraft on YouTube once when he thought he was alone in a shelter on the AT, and a week ago, I caught him reading a PDF on how to field dress a rabbit," his longtime partner and sub 6lb BPW UL hiker, Alex Hurerra, said. "I'm sure he'll grow out of it, but even if he doesn't, I will never let it affect my baseweight."

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