• Ultralight Jerk

Trojan X Dyneema Team Up To Create The Lightest Condom On The Market



CALIFORNIA - In what might be the hottest collaboration in the Outdoor Industry since Zpacks X NASA, the Dyneema Project and love-glove brand Trojan Condoms, have teamed up to create the world's first, DCF Condom.


"Made from Ultra-High Molecular Weight Polyethylene (UHMwPE), the Trojan X Dyneema scumbag offers the most bomber and lightweight shelter for your trekking pole," the Head of R&D at the Dyneema Project told reporters early Valentines Day.


At the Presser and through barely disguised smirks, Representatives from Trojan detailed the innovative features which set the Trojan X Dyneema Coney Island Whitefish apart from its competition.


"The DCF condom will weigh an astonishing 30% less than traditional rubbers from leading brands. Due to the unique materials used, the DCF raincoat will offer zero sag and no stretch. Nobody likes a saggy shelter. Further, the DCF material is wrinkled for her pleasure," the Presenter announced.


Another innovative feature they spent a lot of time to focus in on is the distinctive drawstring closure at the base designed to keep the spooge sock "on trail." This is a first in the industry and Company reps told reporters no hiker will ever, "bust a nut outside of the trail mix bag again."


Photos in the presentation appear to show a fully seam taped reservoir tip which promises to, “effortlessly transfer your load to their hips while 99.99% of the time, avoiding the nine month lead time.”


The event was attended by some of the most prominent hikers in the game today. ULJ caught up with Hoemade Wanderlust to grab her thoughts on the barrier-breaking cock-sock. "Personally, I believe that this will be a game changer for those of us who bring a two person shelter on solo hikes."


No prices have been announced at this time; however, they did tease a silpoly option for those budget minded cuddle puddles. Though, there is no doubt that the love glove is bound to fetch a premium. Trojan X Dyneema has attempted to increase the value proposition by advertising the fact that a single condom can last an entire through hike and has dual use on trail as a tent stake bag.


This exciting announcement comes to us on Valentines Day though, you won't be able to come in it until the product hits the shelves until AT Trail Days in May 2020.

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