• Ultralight Jerk

Top 10 Items To Loot From REI In The Coming Days

We here at Ultralight Jerk wanted to provide our readers with some guidance for your upcoming REI looting adventures. What is a looting trip if you are not organized and methodical? We care about our readers and have compiled a list of the most useful pieces of gear for you and your family during the end times.

1. Goal Zero Yeti 3000 Lithium Portable Power Station with Wi-Fi

This GoalZero power bank stores 3,000 Watts of power and is equipped with Wi-Fi. This makes it the perfect device to help support up to 10,000 hours of streaming Pornhub during your quarantine. Just make sure to pick up some BodyGlide in the Running Department before you head out!

MSRP: $2,999

Street Price: Priceless

2. GrowlerWerks uKeg Nitro Cold Brew Coffee Maker

Just because you are stuck at home and society is collapsing outside your front door does not mean that you don't need a dope cup of coffee. When your stash of backpacking instant coffee runs out or a classic pour over will just not cut it, why not take it up a notch and offer the neighborhood marauders a Nitro Cold Brew? Sure, they might be burning Karen-the-cat-lady's house down, but it is spring, and springtime is cold brew time. Served with a side of alternative milk, these drinks are guaranteed (for one year) to please.

MSRP: $199

Street Price: $100-350 depending on beans

3. Antarctica Cruise – Falklands, South Georgia and Antarctica

Think you are limited to physical possessions? Think again! Pull your mask up high and grab your tickets to Antarctica. Cruises are cheap right now and there is no better time to pull on your convertible hiking pants and 30x binoculars.

MSRP: $13,000

Street Price: $500

4. Solo Stove Yukon Fire Pit

What isn't there to love about roasting marshmallows over an open fire? Well, since being ordered to stay in place, you may find yourself longing for the calming effects of a campfire. This Yukon fire pit by Solo Stove is exactly what you need to loot! The 2.5ft wide fire pit is perfect for roasting your neighbor's dog for its meat, burning "far left" books before the National Guard comes to town, and will make quick work of the outfit you wore to loot REI! Wrapped in stainless-steel, this pit is bound to impress! Consider bringing a hand truck as this baby weighs 45 lbs!

MSRP: $550

Street Price: $1,000+

5. Addaday BioZoom Massager

Guaranteed to satisfy the men and women in your life, the Addaday Massager is the best way to work out your 'aching muscles' from looting runs or cramped quarters. The ergonomic handle allows the user to send deep, throbbing vibrations to only the 'sorest areas.' We recommend starting on the low setting as it can be rather intense on those 'sensitive parts.' Consider grabbing some Chamois cream in the cycling department before you make your getaway. You know, for lube.

MSRP: $250

Street Price: Priceless

6. Thule Chariot Lite 2 Multisport Trailer

Sure, half the neighborhood is rubble and you just used the last square of toilet paper, but that does not mean you can't flex on all the other mommies. The Thule Chariot is the only steed suitable for your little children. Adaptable for running, biking and skiing, this stroller will carry your children in playground-steeze as you escape the wandering bands of rabid dogs in all four seasons!

MSRP: $980

Street Price: $350-500

7. La Sportiva LaSpo Knee Pad

Tired of carpet burns on your knees? Make sure to stop in the Climbing Department and grab a pair of La Sportiva Knee Pads. Sold individually, these $99 knee pads offer the absolute best performance-to-weight ratio on the market. Three metal hardware hooks allow easy on-off and adjustability while the scalloped bottom edge extends over your knee-bend to provide more sticky rubber surface area. When it is time to go down, you'll be glad you swiped a pair of these bad boys.

MSRP: $99/$198 (Pair)

Street Price: Depends on the recipient

8. Stickers

You looted a Hydroflask and a Yeti Cooler didn't you? What kind of monster doesn't put stickers on them? Be sure to pick a variety that signals to others that you are "unique" and "outdoorsy."

MSRP: $3-7

Street Price: $10-15

9. Tony's Chocolonely Chocolate Bar

They say that Tony's Chocolonely is made 100% slave free. However, we at ULJ beg to differ as we are slaves to their taste and Calorie/oz ratio! It is to die for and we recommend lining your pack with a few of these sinful bricks.

MSRP: $7

Street Price: $100-150

10. Snow Peak GigaPower Torch

Dabs, welding, pest control - there are countless uses for a good blow torch! This 14,000 BTU blow torch by SnowPeak is oozing with Japanese engineering. Weighing just 6.2oz, this is the lightest torch on the market and comes with a CB adapter. We are not actually sure if REI has ever sold one of these, so we recommend checking the back stockroom for this item!

MSRP: $58

Street Price: $12.50