• Ultralight Jerk

Pa'lante Set To Release Vinyl Box Set Of John Z.’s Instagram Captions

SALT LAKE CITY - In preparation for Record Store Day 2020, Pa'lante has announced they will release a vinyl box set featuring readings of John Zahorian's Instagram captions.

Details from the press release given to RSD and obtained by Ultralight Jerk are as follows:

-The box set will contain 16 12" records and one bonus 7" featuring a year's worth of melancholic entries about incomplete PCT hikes (due to pressing errors, needle may skip or jump before the PCT 7" is complete and not return where it left off)

-As Pa'lante no longer has any regard for ultralight principles, the records will be pressed on thicker 180 gram vinyl

-Records will be housed in various colors of 'Retro' silnylon dust sleeves

-The box set cover can unfold and be used as a torso length sleeping pad (r-value unknown at this time but has been taken down to 28*F by one user who 'had a rough night but survived’)

-In honor of John's explosive diarrhea on his Appalachian Trail thru-hike, a small number of records will be pressed on brown wax

Further details in the memo go on to say that early Pa'lante hype man Aria Zoner will be the voice of the record. When ULJ reached out to Zoner and asked for his take on the project, Zoner responded "You know, those cats have been cool with me since day one, my dude. You know how it is out here, people helping people - that's powerful stuff... almost as powerful as eating 40 whole Dates and drinking an entire gallon of Aquamira, just really cleanses the gut you feel me?"

Sources close to Pa'lante have hinted that at one time Neemor was also in the studio recording for the project, but Neemor went MIA after finding his new love: licking condiment containers clean.

It's still unknown at this time if there will be background music to the record. ULJ's sources have noted that materials such as polycro, DCF, and even a Neoair Xlite were brought into the studio in order to provide appropriate ambient background noise for the recordings.

ULJ was able to speak with one intern working with RSD who had actually heard the entire recording. They gave us a snippet of their review which was sent off to Alternative Press Magazine. According to the intern, 'This shit rips fucking harder than a side pocket ripping away from a pre-production V2.'

While Pa'lante has been working with RSD to get the test presses approved, it's unclear at this time when the box sets will be available and how many will be made. As Pa'lante's ability to estimate production times is suspect at best, ULJ's best guess is that the box sets will not be ready for Record Store Day 2020. Visit Pa'lantes Instagram page for extremely vague updates about the project.