• Ultralight Jerk

Man With "7lb Baseweight" Has Suspiciously High REI Dividend



ILLINOIS - Media outlets are beginning to report that a man who claims to have a 7lb baseweight has received a suspiciously high REI Dividend. On Tuesday, the Baseweight Auditing Task Force (BATF) released a press statement announcing that an Illinois Man in the Doctor of Physical Therapy Program at U of I Chicago was found to have the single largest baseweight-to-dividend (B2D) ratio discrepancy to date. His identity is currently being withheld for his own safety.


As part of ULJ's ongoing BATF initiative, ULJ has partnered with REI to receive a dividend report of prominent ultralight backpackers. Using this report, we are able to cross reference a hiker's claimed baseweights with their REI Dividend dollar amount. A proprietary formula is then ran against the results to find outliers within the data set.


Lead BATF Agent Scott Calzone states, "The goal of the BATF is simple: catch the lying scum of the ultralight backpacking world. If a hiker's B2D ratio is above a certain threshold, we send Field Agents to the suspected hiker's location. From there, the Field Agents on the ground conduct an invasive investigation into the suspect gear closets of America's worst."


"Our Field Agents performed a search of the Man's gear closet and besides an alarming amount of fleece hoodies, nothing out of the ordinary was located. We are continuing our investigation into the suspiciously high REI Dividend the individual received," Calzone told reporters.


Ongoing tactics that the BATF will continue to leverage include but are not limited to monitoring the suspect's UL backpacking Youtube Channel, placing plain clothes Field Agents inside all Chicagoland REIs and aggressive financial monitoring.


"The next 24-72 hours are critical for the investigation," Calzone told reporters with a hopeful, but pained look upon his face. "REI dividend mailers have hit mailboxes across the country and the 20% off coupons should be following shortly. What our Suspect decides to spend his blood money on may give BATF enough probable cause to take him into ULJ custody."


This is a developing story and we will be bringing you updates as we learn more. Until then, remain vigilant dear readers. If you witness or suspect someone of purchasing gear which is in conflict with their lighterpack and morality, please contact our anonymous tip line.


If you see something, say something.


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