• Ultralight Jerk

John Muir Wishes Someone Else Would Call Him, Just Once



CALIFORNIA - The life of John Muir is one of relentless adventure, eloquent writings and passionate defense of the National Parks. The wilderness prophet, environmental philosopher and founder of the Sierra Club may be best known today by what is probably the most famous wilderness quote of all time, "the mountains are calling, and I must go."


143 years later, John Muir's great-great-great grandson, John Muir V, wishes someone else would call him for once.


John Muir V has worked part time at frozen yogurt shop for the last 5 months and picks up random shifts delivering pizzas at the local Papa Johns. Ultralight Jerk caught up with Muir on his lunch break at the froyo shop.


ULJ: So Muir, thanks for reaching out to us and inviting ULJ down to talk to you.


Muir: I'm gonna level with you right now, it was pretty gucci for you guys to fly out here on such short notice. Mad respect.


ULJ: Not a problem for wilderness royalty my man. So, what do you have for us?


Muir: I have a problem and I was hoping you could get the word out. See, the mountains have been blowing up my phone, no cap. I can't get anything done. Phone calls, texts, WhatsApp...


ULJ: Hold up. Are you saying the mountains have a WhatsApp account?


Muir: For real. And their private Snapchat is dripping. But, here's the thing - they are high-key blowing up my phone 24/7. I have tried burner phones, google voice, only using payphones - no matter what, the mountains are calling.


ULJ: Is this why you have not been able to hold down a steady job?


Muir: Bruh, exactly. See whenever they call, I must go. It doesn't matter if it is in the middle of a shift slinging froyo, halfway through my uncle's funeral, or on a Tuesday at 2:00 am. If they hit me up, I have to go.


ULJ: And, where do you go?


Muir: There is a small hill at a local park about 20 minutes away that seems to satisfy them. But they are getting more and more pushy about it. Last week I had to drive 3 hrs to Yosemite just to get them to stop.


ULJ: When did this start to happen?


Muir: Back in 2014, my Grandfather died and I think he passed something on to me. Still don't know why Ross did me dirty like that.


ULJ: Hold on, you are telling me that this has been happening to Muir's for generations?


Muir: Deadass.


ULJ: I couldn't imagine the burden. You said that you were hoping we could get the word out? What would you want us to say?


Muir: If people could give me a call at (207) 494-3030, when the mountains call, the phone will be busy.


ULJ: Well what happens if they go to voicemail.


Muir: Fuck.


ULJ: Have you considered actually going to the mountains and living there? Something like hiking the PCT?


Muir: Do you think that would work?


ULJ: It seems to work fine for plenty of other people who can't hold down jobs and who feel like the mountains are calling.


The conversation with Muir was cut short at this time. His phone buzzed and sure enough, it was the mountains. He rushed out to the parking lot, took the sign off his Subaru Outback and took off towards the mountains.

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