• Ultralight Jerk

Hiker Ruins Family Christmas With Overly Specific Wish List

SEATTLE - Authorities were called to a home in Renton, Washington this Christmas morning when neighbors reported commotion striking their sleepy suburb neighborhood.

The Seattle Times reports that at about 10:00 am on Christmas day, Dan Richards called police because he was hearing screaming, glass breaking and commotion coming from his next door neighbor's house, the Boyd family.

"My wife and I heard commotion and screaming this Christmas morning. We looked outside and we saw the neighbor kid, Jordan Boyd, in his PJ's throwing what appeared to be Christmas gifts onto the front lawn," Dan told reporters.

When police arrived to the scene, they saw a manic Jordan Boyd, 27, laying on a piece of 1/8" CCF in the fetal position on the family's front lawn. Police reports indicate that when arrested, Jordan told authorities, "My family hates me! They act like they care but they don't. They don't care about me, my life or my baseweight!".

When a Seattle Times reporter on the scene asked Jordan's Grandfather, 95, how he felt about all this, he said, "I didn't fight for my life on Iwo Jima just so that I could come home and decipher goddamn hieroglyphics just to understand my Grandson's Christmas list! We did our best but didn't totally understand some of the words he wrote."

This story is developing and ULJ will keep you updated as we learn more.


UPDATE - 1:32pm: Jordan used his one phone call from the King County Jail to call Ultralight Jerk. The following is a transcript of the conversation:

JB: Hello? Is this the Ultralight Jerk?

ULJ: Yes, who is calling?

JB: This is Jordan Boyd. I am a ultralight backpacker who was recently arrested for my ultralight views. This is in violation of my civil rights and I want ULJ and the ACLU to get involved.

ULJ: Tell us what happened man? That was quite the scene.

JB: My family asked what I wanted for Christmas so I spent three days putting together my Christmas wish list. I recently got into ultralight backpacking and there is a lot of gear that I would love to add to my kit this season. I put everything into that list, organized it by weight and added links to every product page.

ULJ: That is definitely relatable, my list does get a bit specific when it comes to backpacking gear I'd like.

JB: Right? When you are UL, you can't just put "ultralight backpacking gear" on a wish list. You'd wind up with an Osprey Exos, a Coghlahn's egg protectors and REI gift cards. Turns out, even if you put specific ultralight items on that list you family can still stab you in your back.

ULJ: I mean, that might be a little annoying, but don't you think getting yourself thrown into jail was a bit of an extreme reaction to all this?

JB: No, let me explain. When I began to open my presents this morning, I realized that my family didn't give a fuck about me or my ultralight wish list! For example, I asked for an Enlightened Equipment Torrid Jacket in a size medium. It's simple. It just had to have no hood, charcoal 10d outer fabric, forest green 10d inner fabric, 1" added to the back torso length and 2" added to the sleeves. It should have been easy! What I actually got from my Brother was an off-the-shelf Torrid monstrosity with 20d fabrics and standard measurements! It was an open palm slap in the face and it weighed 1oz more than what I need."

ULJ: You still got a rather good piece of gear though, right? What is the big deal?

JB: Not a big deal? Are you serious right now? Who's side are you on? I'll tell you what the big fucking deal is - one whole fucking ounce is what the big deal is.

ULJ: Slow down there man. I am just trying to understand what happened this morning.

JB: That wasn't the only thing that set me off. It all just snowballed. For example, I specifically asked for a 50ft hank of 2.0 mm reflective Lawson Equipment glowire. You know what those wankers had waiting for me in my stocking?

ULJ: What?

JB: Kelty. Fucking. Triptease.

ULJ: Seriously man? Triptease is good cordage, you must have known that?

JB: I wouldn't be caught dead tying knots into a Kelty product. But don't worry, it gets worse. The near constant stream of Christmas crimes against humanity that set me over the edge included [ULJ has put them into a bullet point list for clarity]:

  • Smartwool socks from Grandma when I specifically asked for crew length, micro hiker cushioned Darn Toughs in denim colorway. Dumbass Grandma apparently can't read.

  • Six Moons Designs polycro groundsheet from my Uncle Steve when I specifically asked for .75 mil Duck brand window cling film. You know what? This one doesn't surprise me all too much. Steve has always been an asshole.

  • A MSR Pocket Rocket from my Dad when I very clearly asked for - and linked directly to- a Trail Designs Titanium Sidewinder Stove System with Evernew 400ml Pot and added LNT floor piece. 53 years old and the old man still hasn't figured out reading comprehension.

  • A Osprey Exos from my Mother when I obviously asked for a framed KS40 pack with a torso length of 53 cm, belt size of 85-94 cm, the body of the pack, shoulder straps, side pockets and hip belt made of 200 denier Spectra (not that 210 denier shit), the bottom of pack made with 330 denier Cordura, a cinch top closure, disassociated front pocket, 3D mesh sit pad pocket, lineloc3 and cord load lifters, and not four, but just two webbing loops on the bottom. Apparently the last time she looked at me and cared was the day she finally got rid of me from her womb.

JB: They asked me what I wanted for Christmas so I told them. Exactly. And what does my insufferable "family" go and do? They tied me down to the train tracks and watched with their stupid smirks on their faces as a freight train ran me over simultaneously chopping my head and legs clean off.

ULJ: You are starting to startle me a little bit. Are you okay?

JB: There is no fucking way I am taking any of those busted ass, straight to VHS backpacking gear items with me on trips this season. So I threw it all out. Just chucked in all out into the front yard where it belonged. And, you know what?

ULJ: Good lord, what?

JB: It felt good. It felt like I finally had control over my life and the look on their faces. Oh, their dumb fucking faces. The way they looked at me as I threw that absurdly heavy Pocket Rocket through that double pane front window made it all worth it.

At this point in the phone call, we could hear a Correctional Officer in the background say that Jordan's time was up. And that was it. He was gone.

UPDATE - 9:35 pm: Jordan remains in King County Jail awaiting his trial. As of publishing, his family has not posted the $500 bail.

We reached out to the Boyd family for additional comment and their lawyer made a statement asking the media to respect the family's privacy during this time of mourning.