• Ultralight Jerk

Ask ULJ: "If I’m Too Ugly To Buy Hyperlite Mountain Gear, What’re My Other Options?"

Dear Ultralight Jerk,

My name is Mr. Crass and I can't help but think that ultralight backpacking is easier for attractive people. As a particularly ugly person, I have found that I simply can't buy the best ultralight backpacking gear.

When hiking on trail and someone sees a hiker with UL gear and they are attractive, they think, "oh that is awesome, a bad ass ultralight hiker." however, when people see a hiker with UL gear and they are ugly, they think, "I am pretty sure that guy is homeless."

It has gotten so bad, that I recently tried replace my old heavy backpack and was denied. I went online to purchase a Hyperlite Mountain Gear backpack and the payment was declined. I figured it was just a glitch so I tried to check out again. Sure enough, declined again. Later that evening, I got an email from HMG's Customer Service and this is what it said:

Dear Mr. Crass,
We regret to inform you that you are simply too fucking ugly to buy our gear. HMG has worked tirelessly to craft the perfect, Instagram-able, hype aesthetic and we can't risk devaluing our brand by having people like you carry our gear. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you but would appreciate an apology from you for the inconvenience you caused us.
Consider buying a Gossamer Gear backpack fuck face.
Sincerely, HMG

I was devastated. All I wanted was one of the best framed UL packs on the market and yet again, my dog face has prevented me from advancing my UL backpacking. No way do I want a Gossamer Gear backpack. I mean sure, I have a face for radio, but I have standards too!

ULJ, is there anything you can do or recommend in order to end this genetic torment and get back out on the trails with the best UL gear?


Mr. Crass


Mr. Crass,

We appreciate you reaching out to ULJ and thank you for providing a head shot in your email for context. Unfortunately, your parents absolutely fucked you over on this one. That head shot was more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel and you are simply not cut out for the upper echelons of UL backpacking.

We agree with HMG here. In fact, I probably wouldn't even try to buy anything from Pa'lante either. You might be able to get away with a pack from Gossamer Gear but most likely, they would turn you away as well. Good lord dude.

If you are looking for a shelter, just know that your face might melt a hole through .51 oz/yd DCF. Please keep this in mind.

Look, we hate it too, but a brand's image is everything. HMG, Pa'lante and others have spent a lot of time and energy crafting their brand image into a valuable aesthetic. They can't let just anyone be seen with their gear and especially not a guy like you in the middle of nowhere.

I hope your Osprey Exos works out for you. If laughter is the best medicine, your face is curing the world.

Warmest regards,